The Blunt Ogre
News • Comedy • Writing
Not a Satire. News Journal. Real Headlines. Truly Absurd.
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Why I Went For Riesling Over Politics

---How my love of history made me drink a white wine

I love Riesling, because the epic story of this ancient and dynamic wine is enough to keep any happy hour conversation going on for hours.

No other beverage is as intertwined with the story of humanity than wine - and Riesling is no exception. This is probably because no other fruit known to man manifests in so many different forms, flavors, fragrances, and sensations. Just like people, the wine grape vitis vinifera has thousands of varieties, of which almost all are useless, save a few dozen - these have become the world-famous celebrity grape varietals we all know and love.
Riesling is one of these chosen few, but Riesling is special.

Noble Wine
If wine grapes are a noble family ruling amongst a kingdom of grape berry peasants, Riesling is a Lord ruling over an important house in that kingdom of wine. As it is with people, Lords must be born into such nobility - at least partially.

Riesling, although not purely aristocratic in ancestry, was born from a noble ...

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Jesus & Jefferson Loved Wine

---Why I am leaving political writing for wine writing.

I was born in the USA during the Carter administration, and I remember that he was considered to be a bad president by everyone who voted for Ronald Regan. By the time Bush Sr. was defeated by Bill Clinton, I was masturbating - though I had little talent for it at the time.

Bush Jr. was elected president in the very first election I was allowed to vote in, and Obama was the first time that a politician who I truly supported was elected. Obama was a major disappointment, politically, although he was the coolest president ever.

After Obama came, well you know… and that's when I moved to France.
Yes, I moved to France during the Trump administration, I am one those people. Don't get me wrong, France has it's problems, and lots of them, but I can't physically handle living in the USA anymore because I have chronic medical issues that need monitoring and care - I have teeth.

Yes, I can't afford to live in the USA because of my teeth. Prior to coming to France, I had...

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White Man Accidentally Mistaken As Black Shot By Police

Police officers deny that he attempted to demonstrate his whiteness.

During a routine traffic stop, 36-year-old Shaun Jones was shot twice by police officers. Jones was attempting to reach for a DNA test from his center console when police opened fire, Jones himself was unarmed.
Police have stated that the official reason for stopping Jones was they considered Jones to be a black man, and therefore assumed he was a suspect in a crime.

A lawyer for one of the officers involved in the shooting stated that "had Jones not appeared to be so black, police never would have pulled him over in the first place."

The DNA test that Jones was reaching for clearly demonstrates that Jones is primarily of European descent.

Jones, who is in now in stable condition, claims that he did, in fact, say to the officers that he was white and that he was reaching for the DNA test in the center console to prove it.

"I just got the test back a week ago, and it shows that I'm 52% European," Jones said from his hospital bed. The test was ...

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